It’s not business, it’s personal: How to manage friendships at the workplace

The Milton Report

It’s not business, it’s personal: How to manage friendships at the workplace

November 29, 2009

Volume 13: issue 9

My first work experience in corporate America set the tone for how I would view work place friendships throughout my career. Then, if you had asked me the importance of working with people I liked and I would consider friends, I would have rated it very high on my list of work preferences. Years later after experiencing layoffs, company bankruptcies, cut-throat performance evaluations, nepotism, and the full gamut of things that are part of the course of navigating the maze of corporate America, I would suggest working with people I like is not as high on the list. The climate of business has changed over the course of the last 30 years. Companies are loyal to people to the extent that their contributions affect the bottom line in a positive manner.

It’s about business.

Friendship on the other hand requires that you are loyal to a person rather than a position, cause, stockholders, or balance sheets. The loyalty of friendship is more valuable than the loyalty to the dollar. Donald Trump would disagree with me, but that is why I am not called, “The Milton”. Friendships are personal. Business relationships are strictly about the goals and objectives of business. There are problems inherent when attempting to merge the two into a cohesive unit. The reality is that whether in a publicly owned mega corporation or a family business, the crossroads of friendship and business will meet. You will need finesse to manage those relationships.

In the final analysis someone will likely say to you, “it’s not personal, it’s just business.”

I am suggesting, however, that it is personal sometimes and to the extent that it is personal, business is affected.

Early in my career I had the pleasure of working with a great group of people comprised of different age groups, ethnicities, and backgrounds. The beauty of that experience at General Motors was that I learned what teamwork and camaraderie could mean to the effective performance of a team. I also learned how friendships can be undermining to performance sometimes and that it is very important to maintain a posture of professionalism, even in the midst of difficult circumstances. If I had to advise someone today on the necessity and value of friendships in the workplace, the first thing I would suggest is to not have any illusions about what the work place offers. The essential premise of work is to offer energy and expertise for money. The emotional component is not necessarily part of the equation. Energy plus expertise does not always translate into an emotionally satisfying experience. The payoff is money not necessarily “warm fuzzies”. How many people are working in jobs (or for people) they don’t like solely for the money? It’s not therapy. It’s a job.

Don’t go to work looking for friends, but if friends develop along the way, embrace them and work on keeping separate the relationships of business and friendship.

When managers have to choose between friendship and business, business will win. But don’t be fooled. Friendships have an impact.

If you have ever known someone who gained favor in a position because they were friends with the boss, or their boss was friends with the decision maker, you know what I mean. Sometimes the difference between drawing an unemployment check and verifying the figures on the weekly reports is whether or not you are friends with the people in control. I remember early in my career I would often hear folks discussing how they would “like to come to work and just do their jobs.” Today’s competitive market means you have to cultivate relationships. “Just doing your job” is not good enough.

I have had several experiences over the years where the existence of friendship has affected the outcome of a business relationship. Sometimes the results were positive and the friendship survived the fallout. Other times the results were less positive. Neither the friendship nor the business relationship managed to survive.

The second thing I would suggest is to simply be friendly. The greatest book of advice I know, The Bible, states it this way: “A man that hath friends must show himself friendly:” (Proverbs 18:24, King James Version). It is easy to point at the individuals who cultivate relationships for their benefit in the workplace. When individuals are known to cultivate work place friendships, particularly with management, most of the time the connation is negative. No one likes someone who clearly brown noses or plays the role of the sycophant. However, it is often difficult to argue with the results. I am not suggesting you lose dignity and self respect to attain or retain a position; but, there is empirical evidence suggesting that people get hired because they can do the job AND most importantly, because they are LIKED.

You have to be a very competent individual to keep a job in spite of your personality defects. In other words, who can keep a job when no one likes him or her? Not even The President can do that.

Be friendly. Extend yourself to help someone. Be open to suggestions and willing to listen. Let someone know you are interested in their success. Learn to negotiate from a position of weakness. Meekness does not mean weakness. It means you understand how things work.

The third thing I would suggest is to always remain professional and courteous.

You will find enemies in the work place also. Some people you encounter will be difficult to get along with in any circumstance. It is imperative to maintain civility through limited contact, professionalism, courtesy, and formality. One of the most challenging things to do is to have to work closely with someone you don’t like. It will happen. Further, it is possible this person will do something that may undermine your efforts. Conflict is inevitable in this type of relationship. You have to find a way to maintain grace under pressure.

Going “postal” or “ghetto” on someone will not gain you any respect or self satisfaction.

Conflicts will occur at work. People will say or do things to offend you. Your manager may appear incompetent at times or shift blame to you for a job not well done. Frankly, if you work long enough, you may have to play the role of scapegoat or suffer some form of an injustice. It is not the end of your career. Going postal could put an end to your career. I have calmly told a past manager that “she was the worst manager I have ever had.” I have led projects that were not as successful as planned. I have not always met my manager’s expectations – realistic or not. I have always remained professional and courteous even in the midst of difficult circumstances. I would like to think that I have worked with grace and diplomacy in stressful environments.

Your character is not defined by what you do at work. Your character helps define what you do at work. Stay professional and stay courteous.

Managing your friendships at work come down to these three things: Earn the respect of your enemies, embrace the relationships with your friends, and eliminate relationships that are toxic.

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“It is calming to know that when the final trumpet sounds,

My life will not have ended in vain.

I will run out of time before I run out of words. God has given me the gift of my thoughts.

He has given me the gift of the pen.

I need to use them both to show His will does win….” 1

(1) Excerpt from the poem “ The Things That Matter” –

Included in Voices Inside My Head – Poetry Inspired By God To Heal Pain

Copyright © 2009 Milton A. Brown